Non-Pool
Topic: Please add a joke!

Apologies if you've heard this one before, it tickled me this morning, but I think there's a chance that it's old... Perhaps you've got a better one?


Another blonde joke

A blonde phones her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,



'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax'.

'Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then'

He sighed.........










..
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'Let's put all the Frosties back in the box.'


Well, it made me laugh!

this joke is on the penguin bar in my lunch today

What did the policeman say to his chest?
.....
you're under a vest.

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flat mate, Simon, was.



She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.


Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter andhis flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flat mates".
About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter. So he sat down and wrote:




DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M


NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE Frying Pan BUT THE FACT REMAINS

THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER









Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which


read:


DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT


YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS

SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

a blonde trying to impress her husband decides to paint the lounge while he is at work to show him how clever she is.

when he returns from work the house is covered in paint and she is on the floor sweating while wearing a leather jacket and a rain mac

he asks what she is doing painting dressed like that

she tells him it said on the tin to always use two coats.

Thank goodness other people have posted terrible jokes too!

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him
on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate s*x he had ever experienced. When he
had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full
English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage Tomato with freshly-squeezed
orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
five quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day and that we should do something special for
you."
"I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Screw him!!! Give him a fiver." She smiled shyly and said, "The
breakfast was my idea"

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his
way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he
yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that
you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

Man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a beer.
While the barman is pulling his pint the man notices a large dog sat at the end of the bar, he asks the barman "does ya dog bite?" to which the barman replies "no mate"

The man pays for his beer and goes over to the dog and starts to stroke it on its head. 30 seconds later the man is screaming in pain coz the dog has ripped his arm clean off!

"i thought you said ya dog did'nt bite" yells the man, to which the barman replies..........


............"Thats not my dog pal"


-----------------

A man was very upset when son was born as a head - no arms, now legs, no body - just a head. When the head turned 18, his dad decided to take him down the local for the first time for a celebratory pint.

"Two pints please" barman says the dad. He takes a sip of his own and then proceeds to pour a cold pint of lager into the mouth of his boy. All of a sudden the son develops a torso. The dad is amazed and orders another pint. He pours the pint into his sons mouth and out of nowhere the boy develops two arms. "Quick barman, give me another pint". The trend continued and with the next pint the boy had two legs too. The father wept with joy and had a good old knees up with friends and family.

After closing the proud father and son walk out of the pub. The son has had 10 pints and is struggling to stay upright. Suddenly he stumbles, falls out infront of a lorry and is killed on the spot.

What is the moral of the story...

he should have quit while he was a head!!!

LOL... At last a funny one!

Hi,
Well PC posted this one in a thread a while back but it's so good I thought it deserved to be posted again in case anyone missed it first time around. It's pool-related as well!! Enjoy...

Willie Mosconi, Johnny Archer and Earl Strickland are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you believe.

God looks at Willie and asks: "what do you believe?"

Willie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans.

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Mosconi, and offers him a seat on his left.

Then God turns to Archer and says, "What do you believe?"

Johnny says, "Win or lose, I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Willie, I believe in hard work. I've been lucky too, but I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the table."

God is greatly moved by Johnny's modest southern eloquence and offers him a seat at his right and a piece of pie.

Finally, God turns to Strickland : "And you, Earl, what do you believe?"

Earl replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

Chris.

A McDonald's Love Story...

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating
there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the
admirers were thinking:
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for
60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no
hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles
and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began
to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. -
"They were used to sharing everything"
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped
some of the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another
meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady,
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered…..
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>"THE TEETH"

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I
wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted"
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old
mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his
sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old
pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come
out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.".........

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

bpppa rankings

that pool will ever be better than snooker!!!!! LOL

that this trophy will be going back to stamford bridge!!! lol

back where it belongs old trafford!!!!

On 2007-04-25 14:17 , alan24 Wrote:


Should've just bought him another hat!!!!


-----------------

Or some ear muffs!

Texas Chilli Eating Contest:

I you can read through this without laughing - you need HELP!!!

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".


Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.


Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.


Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy s#$%, what the the devils playground is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.


Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.


Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse Chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.


Judge # 2 -- A beanless Chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.


Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t- faced from all of the beer.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- Black bean Chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.


Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a Chilli.


Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb female dog is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is Chilli an aphrodisiac?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong Chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.


Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.


Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety Chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.


Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.


Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I s#$% myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a@#$ with a snow cone.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chilli # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre Chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.


Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of Chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.


Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like s#$% to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just slurp it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chilli # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend Chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.


Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance Chilli. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the Chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli