Non-Pool
Topic: A little humour!

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the the h*ll was that all about?"


Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other nods her head and adds, "And such small portions."

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

And Finally ....

A middle-aged man and his wife are out to dinner to celebrate her forty-fifth birthday.
He says, "So, what would you like, Sarah? A Jaguar? A mink coat? A diamond necklace? A cruise?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge £50 for two questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised
already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings,
the minister, even ma stag night... Archie nods approvingly.

"Heavens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white.........."

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the
morgue needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the
mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't
Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean
in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's
burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean
looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew
he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say,
"Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

*********************************

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons."

You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the
law.

"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over
I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

******************************************

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large
gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied, "How does it work?"

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For,
*****sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"

*************************************

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going
to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female
friends in addition to my fiancée and you try and guess which one I'm
going to marry".

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"

"I don't like her."

>***********************************************************
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The
judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to
death with a spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing
b*stard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and
said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this
crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I
shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen
years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to
borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

******************************************
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks
in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one,
he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him,
"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts
to look attractive I'll go home."

Two men were sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"


The second guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"


The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she may be dead?"


The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

i got one

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Ahhhh, Poolnight.... That's a fabulous joke - it REALLY tickled my funny bone!

Hmmm???

Strange though... I've got a feeling I've heard it before somewhere???

( Are you going to tell him or am I? )


-----------------

Authorised Pro9 forum advertiser/sponsor

It's still a classic even the second time of reading

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle,he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!"said the doctor once more and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side...
then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to
walk around the examining room t o see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his
testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.

There were two statues in some ancient city of Greece which had been in existence for centuries. One was a nude male while the other was a nude female. For centuries they had braved the cold weather and the scorching sun. They had witnessed historical events such as Alexander the Great setting out on his conquest of the world, the rise and fall of the Roman empire, etc.

One day an angel who was flying over the city saw the two statues. He was overcome with sorrow for the two and he came down and brought them to life. "Well", the angel said, "my powers can grant you life for not more than an hour. So you have sixty minutes with each other and the time doesn't begin till I disappear. Make the most of it!"

As soon as the angel disappeared the two just nodded at each other and immediately jumped behind a bush nearby. For nearly fifty five minutes there was a lot of noise, disturbance, screams, leaves and feathers flying around from behind the bush. At the end of fifty five minutes the man said "Well, we have just five minutes left!
"What more do you reckon we should do?"

"Something more of the same would be divine!" said the woman.

"Alright", said the man "only this time you hold the pigeons and I'll s**t on them!"

A virile, young Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite
bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment
and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled
her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you
finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised,
Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed
about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and,
again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause,
she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches
for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages
it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed
sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn
his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You
finish?" Barely able! to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear,
"No, I Norwegian."

sorry if this is already on here

Willie Mosconi, Johnny Archer and Earl Strickland are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you believe.

God looks at Willie and asks: "what do you believe?"

Willie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans.

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Mosconi, and offers him a seat on his left.

Then God turns to Archer and says, "What do you believe?"

Johnny says, "Win or lose, I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Willie, I believe in hard work. I've been lucky too, but I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the table."

God is greatly moved by Johnny's modest southern eloquence and offers him a seat at his right and a piece of pie.

Finally, God turns to Strickland : "And you, Earl, what do you believe?"

Earl replies, "I believe you're in my seat."


-----------------

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."


-----------------

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Ethel in the Nursing Home
>
>
> Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around
>
> the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
>
> speed on the long corridors.
>
>
> Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
>
> residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
>
>
> One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
>
> Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a
>
> firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around
>
> in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
>
> "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
>
>
> As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold
>
> popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of
>
> insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
>
> held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
>
> As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of
> her, Butt- Naked, and
>
> holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.
>
>
> "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that darn Breathalyzer Test
>
> again.!!!"

On 2006-08-14 02:20 , Kennywould Wrote:




QUALITY!!

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low

country of South Carolina, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock

tale, it's real. This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a

real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly

and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his

hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly

approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward

him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and

closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind

the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too

scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car

was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he

started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car

would go off the road and in the marsh and he would surely drown, when

just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and

turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they

reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he

could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock,

he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey,

then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence

enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was

telling the truth and not just some drunk. About half an hour later,

two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other: "Look Bubba,

deres dat idiot who rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies. . . . . " "You just happened to catch my eye."