| Author |
The Summer Joke Thread |
|
BigDave
Moderators
Joined: 13-Mar-2006
Posts: 11008
From: England
|
Posted: 2007-07-18 08:20
THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDENAn Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his Tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament............ _________________________________ | | "Dear Vincent, | | I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't | be able to plant my tomato garden this year. | I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. | I know if you were here my troubles would be over. | I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me. | | Love, Dad" | ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A few days later he received a letter from his son.......... _________________________________ | | "Dear Dad, | | Don't dig up that garden. | That's where I buried the bodies. | | Love, Vinnie" | ~~~~~~~~~~~~ At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.......... _________________________________ | | "Dear Dad, | | Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. | That's the best I could do under the circumstances!! | | Love you, | Vinnie" | ~~~~~~~~~~~~  -----------------  Authorised Pro9 forum advertiser/sponsor
|
|
UnkleJackie
Quite a regular
Joined: 06-Aug-2007
Posts: 54
From: Mississippi, USA
|
Posted: 2007-08-06 00:16
RIDDLE > You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is > sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the > same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and > your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the > same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out > of this highly dangerous situation? > If you do not know, see answer below. > Get your drunk az off the merry-go-round! [ This message was edited by: UnkleJackie on 2007-08-06 00:18 ]
|
|
ct
Home away from home
Joined: 21-Mar-2006
Posts: 466
|
Posted: 2007-08-06 12:39
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Scouser 2 metres tall and 150 kilos. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously Gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Scouser. Leaning over towards him he whispers,
"Do you want a blow-job?"
At this the massive Scouser leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar. Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer.
"I've never seen you react like that", he says, "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure", the big Scouser replies, "something about a job ... "
|
|
toomuchaMaverick
Home away from home
Joined: 23-Apr-2007
Posts: 313
|
Posted: 2007-08-06 16:16
2 Muffins baking in an oven.....
1st Muffin "Holy Sh1t Man its darn hot in here"
2nd Muffin "Holy Sh1t...... A talking Muffin"
|
|
BigDave
Moderators
Joined: 13-Mar-2006
Posts: 11008
From: England
|
Posted: 2007-08-06 20:05
Has anyone got any GOOD jokes???
|
|
expertfluke
Home away from home
Joined: 14-Mar-2006
Posts: 749
From: Hertfordshire
|
Posted: 2007-08-06 20:50
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
|
|
malaguista
Home away from home
Joined: 14-Mar-2006
Posts: 1176
From: Spain
|
Posted: 2007-08-07 08:41
Heard this on the radio yesterday, food for thought? E. Coli is found in faeces. Apparently, drinking water may contain a certain amount of E. Coli so much so that if you drink a litre of water a day, after a year you have consumed a kilo of E-Coli. If you drink wine, there is no danger of this happening. Conclusion It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than drink water and be full of cr@p!! [ This message was edited by: malaguista on 2007-08-07 08:41 ]
|
|
alan24
Just can't stay away
Joined: 23-Mar-2006
Posts: 97
From: Denmark
|
Posted: 2007-08-07 13:19
Billy went to see a nurse because he was experiencing severe pain in his private region. The nurse took a look at Billy and said to him "Billy, you are going to have to stop masturbating". Why?" said Billy. The nurse paused and then replied "Because I am trying to examine you!!"
|
|
pooljedi
Home away from home
Joined: 18-Apr-2006
Posts: 293
From: Preston
|
Posted: 2007-08-07 13:20
After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
|
|
SkyBlueJim
Home away from home
Joined: 16-Jan-2007
Posts: 328
From: Coventry
|
Posted: 2007-08-07 13:36
How do you know when your dog is a blacksmith?
Every time you open the door he makes a bolt for it
|
|
thecure-figurehead
Just can't stay away
Joined: 10-Mar-2007
Posts: 79
|
Posted: 2007-08-07 13:48
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? Sold his soul to Santa
ah god...the old ones are the best?!
|
|
malaguista
Home away from home
Joined: 14-Mar-2006
Posts: 1176
From: Spain
|
Posted: 2007-08-07 15:36
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some feckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more feckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the feckin’ French toast."
|
|
malaguista
Home away from home
Joined: 14-Mar-2006
Posts: 1176
From: Spain
|
Posted: 2007-08-07 15:37
Oh!, I see that you allow Irish profanities (fecking) but not English ones, racism!!
|
|
BigDave
Moderators
Joined: 13-Mar-2006
Posts: 11008
From: England
|
Posted: 2007-08-07 16:26
I think the profanity filter is American!  We could actually do with a bad joke filter here... Quite possibly the worst batch of jokes ever!
|
|
9m
Home away from home
Joined: 26-Apr-2006
Posts: 268
|
Posted: 2007-08-07 17:22
Ha these are all quality!!!!!!
|
|
pooljedi
Home away from home
Joined: 18-Apr-2006
Posts: 293
From: Preston
|
Posted: 2007-08-07 21:00
On 2007-08-07 16:26 , BigDave Wrote:!!! QUOTE !!! I think the profanity filter is American!
We could actually do with a bad joke filter here... Quite possibly the worst batch of jokes ever!
i have to say i thought mine was ok but the rest are very bad
|
|
UnkleJackie
Quite a regular
Joined: 06-Aug-2007
Posts: 54
From: Mississippi, USA
|
Posted: 2007-08-07 21:47
two old friends met at the funeral parlor and were discussing the deceased. "what did he die of ?" asked the first. his friend replied, "I think his underwear killed him." "how is that possible ?" asked the first. his friend replied, "surely you saw in the newspaper where he died of a 'brief' illness !" 
|
|
Blue_Suede
Just can't stay away
Joined: 14-Mar-2006
Posts: 121
|
Posted: 2007-08-07 22:18
Apologies if you've heard this one before, but it's my favourite...
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because he needed a sh1te!
Heh, heh...
Makes me laugh even while I'm typing it!
:o)
|
|
expertfluke
Home away from home
Joined: 14-Mar-2006
Posts: 749
From: Hertfordshire
|
Posted: 2007-08-07 23:02
An architect, an artist and pool player were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystrey he found there. The pool player, meanwhile, said ' I perfer to have both' 'Both?' said his friends incredulously. 'Yeah,' said the pool player. 'If you have a wife and a mistress, they'll each assume you're spending time with the other woman, leaving you more time to play pool!'..............................(tumble weed) [ This message was edited by: expertfluke on 2007-08-07 23:15 ]
|
|
expertfluke
Home away from home
Joined: 14-Mar-2006
Posts: 749
From: Hertfordshire
|
Posted: 2007-08-07 23:19
What's yellow and smells of Bananas?.......
..............
............
..........
..........
Monkey sick.
|
