Non-Pool
Topic: joke thread

OK folks, I'll start the ball rolling.

A Scotsman asks the dentist the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£85 for an extraction sir," was the dentist's reply.;

"£85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an
anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the
price could drop to £40."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the
extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin?"

"It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5.
But it will be traumatic."

"Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

....

I laughed...

Good punchline - but I normally only reply when I've got a better joke! The store's a dry at the moment!

Two tourist driving through Wales, At Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybaarcudprindanfygogogof, they stop for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress before we order could you please settle an argument for us, would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?         the Blonde waitress leaned over and said "Burrr - Gurrr - Kinnng"

A Scotsman won a toilet brush as the booby prize in a raffle. He had never won anything before, though, so he was delighted. A few weeks later a friend asked if he was getting much use from the toilet brush. "Well," came the reply, "I don't think much of it. I think I'll go back to using toilet paper

On 2006-03-21 14:07 , expertfluke Wrote:

now tell me, did anyone even smirk at that?

honestly, thats the worst joke i've EVER heard.

You're a hard man to please Destropelight, Here's another one for you to yawn at:

An English silver expert travelling in Scotland was asked if he would like to look at the trophies won by the Scottish national soccer team. He replied that he wasn't interested in antiques.

Hilarious!

Ode to the English Rugby Team

Ye come up here tae paradise , tae beat us at your game,

Aw wind and p*ss and full o' sh*t, yer a' the bl**dy same.

Ye caw yersels World champions, the nations most elite,

But Scotland are the greatest noo, cos yuv just been f*ckin 'beat.

A game that wis invented, fur English gentlemen,

No Highland Jocks wie tartan frocks, well bl**dy think again.

A baw that's shapit like an egg, it's jist a stupit farce,

Bit ah suppose it makes it easier, tae ram right up yer a*se.

So git back home an lick yer wounds, yer a bunch o stupit fools,

It's time fur you tae cheat again, and change the f*ckin rules.

Rugby, fitba, cricket tae, yer jist a shower o chancers,

Stick tae whit ye dae the best, you Morris f*ckin dancers!!!

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando,
thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from
South to North.


On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call".


The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the
same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its
purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
he could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia,Boston
and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the
same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to SCOTLAND to see
if SCOTS had the same phone.

He arrived in SCOTLAND, and again, in the first church he entered, there
was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40
pence per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.


"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven,
but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"




The priest smiled and answered, "You're in SCOTLAND now, son - it's a local call".

Destroyer we've had that joke before. I think you posted it you Scottish Clown!!!

Two guys (Jock and Tim) walking through the Serengeti planes.
Jock stops walking and says "dont look behind us, theres a huge lion!!!!"
Tim stops walking too and see's that Jock is putting a pair of Nike trainers on......."what you doing you fool, your not gonna out-run a b1oody lion!!" he says.

Jock replies "listen pal, i dont give a sh1t as long as i out-run you!!!!!"



D4RYL.

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in
the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he
noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250
men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have"urges". That's why we have the Molly The Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges".
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his
tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the
ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane s. ex with the
camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men
do it?",
"No not really, sir... They usually just ride the camel into town
where the girls are".

An ugly bloke walks into a bar with a huge smile from ear to ear. The barman asks why he's so pleased with himself, so the ugly bloke replies: "I live near the railway, and on the way home last night I noticed this woman tied helplessly to the tracks! So I untied her, and we had fantastic sex for the rest of the evening."

"Cool!", says the barman. "Did you get a BJ?" "Nah", says the ugly bloke. "I couldn't find her head!"

Met a beautiful girl the other day who has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh. It's amazing, if you put your ear to it you can smell the sea!!

That reminds me....Why women are like a KFC...once you've enjoyed the breasts and thighs, all you're left with is a sweaty box!

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says,

"What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"

The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."

The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears."

The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.

As the second guy is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."

"Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office.

Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."

The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."

The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"

The applicant answered, "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's toilets of a service stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over to your place after while?"

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions!"

2. Try to keep the sexual conversations to a minimum - I really don't want to have to put a warning on the front page stating there may be information on the site of a pornographic nature. I understand it's just a bit of fun, but it's getting to the point where the site will have to be shut down due to adult material contained within. Please remember there are not only under 18's on this site but also others who may be offended by vulgar comments.

But malaguista, they weren't really having a sexual conversation, the guy in the toilet was on the phone in that last joke.

Only joking, I agree it was getting a bit crude. But I must admit some funny jokes all the same. But you're right lets all get back to talking balls again. I mean 9-ball.