Non-Pool
Topic: A little humour!

A police officer pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the officer said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the officer said.

With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man replies: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold the monkey for you".

..the bus later broke down. The driver was under the bonnet. The lady asked "Want a screwdriver?"
"No thanks" he replied "I'm ten minutes late already!"

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.”I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys....

Then..... being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?”

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked.
"What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her " ...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

On 2006-08-21 09:25 , malaguista Wrote:

Wins!!!

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "

He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."

He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dyck."

AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING
HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE
ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS
OLD,UNMARRIED,AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL
EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME
ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ
COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY
AND LEAVE ME ALONE"

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A
SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN
COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM,
OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM SHE ENTERED THAT AREA
AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE
VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE
CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED:
"WHAT THE the devils playground ARE YOU DOING?"

THE HUSBAND REPLIED:
"I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW

I am still laughing at the one about the bug!

Subject: Cardiologist Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

And at that point, the proctologist fainted.

Proctology is a field in medicine dealing with diseases and disorders of the rectum, anus, colon and pelvic floor.

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat.
The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.

The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next
stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie,"if
you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him
that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray
to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,"said the
bus driver guy "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex
with you."

Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the
cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up.
When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in
robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers
and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The
hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.

After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out,
"Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"

The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,
"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"

There were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each
other with sign language.

     Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
     Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"
     Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark place
and have some fun."
     Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."

     So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are
having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat
on the shoulder...
     Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"
     Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
     Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
     Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get
some."

     They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets
out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car
window.

     Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
     Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."
     Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
     Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I
want."
     Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know what to do."
     Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
     Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put
your thingy on the counter. He'll know what you want."
     Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."

     The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at
the car window.

    
     Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"
     Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."
     Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"
    
     Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put
5 dollars on the counter. I put my thingy on the counter. He put his on the
counter. His was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."

As you can see, I've nothing better to do with my time!!!