Non-Pool
Topic: Please add a joke!

Hi,
Well PC posted this one in a thread a while back but it's so good I thought it deserved to be posted again in case anyone missed it first time around. It's pool-related as well!! Enjoy...

Willie Mosconi, Johnny Archer and Earl Strickland are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you believe.

God looks at Willie and asks: "what do you believe?"

Willie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans.

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Mosconi, and offers him a seat on his left.

Then God turns to Archer and says, "What do you believe?"

Johnny says, "Win or lose, I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Willie, I believe in hard work. I've been lucky too, but I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the table."

God is greatly moved by Johnny's modest southern eloquence and offers him a seat at his right and a piece of pie.

Finally, God turns to Strickland : "And you, Earl, what do you believe?"

Earl replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

Chris.

A McDonald's Love Story...

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating
there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the
admirers were thinking:
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for
60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no
hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles
and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began
to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. -
"They were used to sharing everything"
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped
some of the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another
meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady,
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered…..
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>"THE TEETH"

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I
wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted"
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old
mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his
sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old
pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come
out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.".........

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

bpppa rankings

that pool will ever be better than snooker!!!!! LOL

that this trophy will be going back to stamford bridge!!! lol

back where it belongs old trafford!!!!

On 2007-04-25 14:17 , alan24 Wrote:


Should've just bought him another hat!!!!


-----------------

Or some ear muffs!

Texas Chilli Eating Contest:

I you can read through this without laughing - you need HELP!!!

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".


Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.


Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.


Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy s#$%, what the the devils playground is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.


Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.


Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse Chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.


Judge # 2 -- A beanless Chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.


Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t- faced from all of the beer.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- Black bean Chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.


Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a Chilli.


Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb female dog is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is Chilli an aphrodisiac?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong Chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.


Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.


Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety Chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.


Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.


Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I s#$% myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a@#$ with a snow cone.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chilli # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre Chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.


Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of Chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.


Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like s#$% to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just slurp it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chilli # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend Chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.


Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance Chilli. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the Chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli

BLONDE JOKES


CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just cr a p in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

A boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend's parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

On 2007-04-29 20:24 , paddy147 Wrote:

Paddy, Im going to dress like you when I win the lottery.

.............. 3 numbers should do it!!

easy on!!! u couldnt afford the laces on my shoes

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new
Drive-through ATM machines
Enabling customers to withdraw cash
Without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
Requested to use the procedures outlined
Below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone .
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Misogynist!!

^^^ Posted by the "blonde joke" man!!!

But mine was specific it wasn't a generalisation!!!


alt= /]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."