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A little humour! |
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BigDave
Moderators
Joined: 13-Mar-2006
Posts: 11008
From: England
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Posted: 2006-08-04 14:23
We haven't had a joke thread for a while and I know we all get emails from friends all the time about this and that... Here's one that made me laugh, it just touched my funny bone, maybe it's not that funny and it's just me? I don't know... Anyway, here's my starter... ----------------------------------------------------------------- Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?" -----------------------------------------------------------------  -----------------  Authorised Pro9 forum advertiser/sponsor
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kingoftherack
Just can't stay away
Joined: 14-Mar-2006
Posts: 95
From: Reading
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Posted: 2006-08-04 14:31
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bruno
Home away from home
Joined: 14-Mar-2006
Posts: 673
From: Aberdeen, Scotland
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Posted: 2006-08-04 15:05
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the
dining room table:
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being
54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter I hope you will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with
my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset
I shall be back home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter
on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being
54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that
you are also 54 years old. As you know I am a maths teacher at our local
college.I would like to inform you that while you read this I will be at the
Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18
years
old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
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Kennywould
Not too shy to talk
Joined: 26-Apr-2006
Posts: 31
From: PA
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Posted: 2006-08-07 21:11
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "you used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reaches across, held her hand for a second and tried to go back to sleep, a few moments later she said "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reaches across, gives her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck." Angrily he throws the covers back and gets out of bed. "where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!!!"
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mrpies
Just popping in
Joined: 04-Apr-2006
Posts: 17
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Posted: 2006-08-09 12:20
What's the first sign of madness?
Suggs walking up your driveway...
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BigDave
Moderators
Joined: 13-Mar-2006
Posts: 11008
From: England
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Posted: 2006-08-09 13:30
... * tumbleweed * ... Please try harder mrpies.
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bruno
Home away from home
Joined: 14-Mar-2006
Posts: 673
From: Aberdeen, Scotland
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Posted: 2006-08-09 16:21
What's Julian Clary and Frank Bruno got in common? They've both had a few lickings in the ring...
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poolknight
Home away from home
Joined: 22-Jun-2006
Posts: 478
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Posted: 2006-08-09 17:00
On 2006-08-04 14:23 , BigDave Wrote:!!! QUOTE !!! We haven't had a joke thread for a while and I know we all get emails from friends all the time about this and that... Here's one that made me laugh, it just touched my funny bone, maybe it's not that funny and it's just me? I don't know... Anyway, here's my starter...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
hilarious 
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UKSportsManagement
Quite a regular
Joined: 01-May-2006
Posts: 46
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Posted: 2006-08-09 17:00
Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husbands best mate Peter when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to bed after a brief conversation.
"Who was it? The back stabbing buddy asked.
"Oh, that was Mick." She replied calmly.
"geesh, I'd better be going then!: he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"
"Relax - he's down at the pub, playing a few games of pool with you."
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BigDave
Moderators
Joined: 13-Mar-2006
Posts: 11008
From: England
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Posted: 2006-08-09 17:48
That's better... MORE, MORE!!!
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crashnburn
Home away from home
Joined: 23-May-2006
Posts: 518
From: Somewhere between Rugby and Northampton
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Posted: 2006-08-09 17:54
Noah was out for a stroll one day when God made himself known to him.
"Noah!" He boomed, "I want you to make another ark."
"As you wish, my Lord. Shall I make it the same as before?"
"No, not this time," said God, "I'd like you to make it with several different floors... mmm... let's say ten!"
"As you wish, my Lord. I shall make it ten floors tall, it shall be the greatest ark ever built. And shall I fill it with all of Your worldly creations, two by two?"
"No," said God, "I'd like it filled with just one species - I'd like it filled with my favourite fish, the carp."
"As you wish, my Lord. I will fill it as you desire, but may I ask you why you require this?"
"Well," replied God, "I've always wanted a multi-storey carp ark."
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crashnburn
Home away from home
Joined: 23-May-2006
Posts: 518
From: Somewhere between Rugby and Northampton
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Posted: 2006-08-09 18:07
Two Irishmen
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
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mrpies
Just popping in
Joined: 04-Apr-2006
Posts: 17
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Posted: 2006-08-09 19:28
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.
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mrpies
Just popping in
Joined: 04-Apr-2006
Posts: 17
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Posted: 2006-08-09 19:29
Why couldn't the Rhino find his records?
Because the Junglist Massive.
(sorry. I was amused when I read them!)
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Kennywould
Not too shy to talk
Joined: 26-Apr-2006
Posts: 31
From: PA
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Posted: 2006-08-09 20:42
An English, Irish & Scottish Couple are playing golf :
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
> >her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
>underwear.
> >"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
>demanded.
> >
> >"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
> >The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
>sake
> >of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
> >Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
>skirt
> >also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
> >"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
> >She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches
>into
> >his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy
>yourself
> >some underwear!"
> >Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
>over
> >her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of
>Jaysus
> >Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
> >She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
>any."
> >
> >The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
>decency,
> >here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."
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Shooter
Home away from home
Joined: 14-Mar-2006
Posts: 517
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Posted: 2006-08-09 21:39
Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go. The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?" He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress." The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The second guy says, "What's wrong?" The first guy says, "Small world!" ----------------- 
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Shooter
Home away from home
Joined: 14-Mar-2006
Posts: 517
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Posted: 2006-08-09 21:40
A Bristol Rovers fan is walking home from a match in his Rovers kit. He fancies a drink, walks into a bar and found himself surrounded by Red and white. He's walked into a Bristol City bar. A deadly silence falls over the pub. Then the barman clears his throat and says, "In here, we give Rovers fans a toll of the dice. "If you roll one to five, we kill you." The Rovers fan replies,"What happens if I roll a six?" "You get to roll again." -----------------
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SmallDave
Quite a regular
Joined: 01-Apr-2006
Posts: 50
From: North East
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Posted: 2006-08-09 23:32
Whats green and square??? An orange in disguise!!!! 
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poolknight
Home away from home
Joined: 22-Jun-2006
Posts: 478
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Posted: 2006-08-10 01:34
i love this thread.
thanks to all
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Danny
Home away from home
Joined: 14-Mar-2006
Posts: 909
From: Manchester UK
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Posted: 2006-08-10 03:26
On 2006-08-10 01:34 , poolknight Wrote:!!! QUOTE !!! i love this thread.
thanks to all hahahaha lmao poolknight thats a good one!
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